i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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