First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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