Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
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They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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