Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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