Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize