sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
