You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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