god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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