It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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