the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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