I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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