Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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