You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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