I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
