Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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