better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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