yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
porn star boner night. come get it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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