you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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