Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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