The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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