New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize