I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize