My sheets look like a crime scene.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize