Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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