Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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