I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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