last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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