I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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