Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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