I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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