peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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