The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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