For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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