i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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