I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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