Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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