I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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