You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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