have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He has the fingertips of a God
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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