i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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