The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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