I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize