My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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