I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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