how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
did i just pee glitter
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