My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize