Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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