I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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