i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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