hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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