bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
